I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
