At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
