There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
