your parents love me but you hate me
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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