i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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