my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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