i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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