Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
