2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
