chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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