I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
