its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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