How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
