6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
