im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
