I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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