imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
