haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
