I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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