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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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