Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
