I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
