Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
