Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
