I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
