those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
