She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
