Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
