Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
