At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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