i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
