my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think my moral compass just broke
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
