I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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