I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
