I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
