Sober January is a disaster.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
why is half of my head shaved?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
