mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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