You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
