You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
