3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i think my cat just said my name.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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