haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
