I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
