There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
