I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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