They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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