I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
