If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
