You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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