How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
