Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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